Mohabbat ab na Hogi......

Tifl e Maktab · **Joined:** Sat Dec 27, 2008 8:39 am **Posts:** 3604

Thanks Sono ji,

I am just waiting for my Ustad's comments. Pata nahin kab unki nigah e naz is kalam ko sharf bakhsay.

By the way how did you turned out to Purple instead of Green!

Tifl e Maktab · **Joined:** Sat Dec 27, 2008 8:39 am **Posts:** 3604

Attachment:

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2006

sono · **Joined:** Tue Sep 27, 2005 3:41 am **Posts:** 29986

tabs wrote:

Thanks Sono ji,

I am just waiting for my Ustad's comments. Pata nahin kab unki nigah e naz is kalam ko sharf bakhsay.

By the way how did you turned out to Purple instead of Green!

you are welcome tabs ji....and whos your ustad????

i'm purple coz meri promotion ho gayee from senior Mod to super Mod :Y:

Tifl e Maktab · **Joined:** Sat Dec 27, 2008 8:39 am **Posts:** 3604

Dear Aabroo Ji & Sono Ji,

Thank you very much for appreciating my inept efforts, your comments are always encouraging me to improve myself.

Sono Ji, Congratulation on your promotion will wait for the sweets to come. :buke:

Jahan tak mere ustad ki baat hai to shairy main mere Peer e Sukhan, Rooh e Ghazal Izzat ma'ab Hazrat Ahmed Shah Faraz hain k jaisay kisi khandan ya qoumiyat se kisi shakhs ki shanakht hoti hai aisay hi main Ahmed Faraz k naam se Shairy ko jaanta hoon.

Alawa azeen, is forum per mere asatazah jo k mere liye hamil e izzat o takrim hain Mohtarma "Seema Naqvi" sahiba, Mohtaram "Dilshad Nazmi" sahib hain aur zia e rahnumai ka muntazir hoon Janab Hamid Muhib sahib se. Waisay to mere khayal main her wo shakhs jo mujh se behter mazaq rakhta hai mere liye qabil e ta'azim hai k mujh sa naqis ul aqaal dhoondna saie e raaygaan sabit ho. :no:

Aik bar phir aap sab ki muhabbaton ka be had shukr guzar!

Tabassum Asad Qureshi

nazmi_dilshad · **Posted:** Wed Jan 21, 2009 8:46 pm

tabs wrote:

Mere Ustad ne Farmaya :

Attachment:

ustad.JPG

tabs ji
aadab , keya hi acha ho ke aap isse roman me likh kar dubarah bhejein , take main har eak sher ko code kar ke uske bare me wazahat se apni raey pesh kar sako'n , umeed hai aap meri guzarish par gour farmaeinge ,
mukhlis
dilshadnazmi

sono · **Joined:** Tue Sep 27, 2005 3:41 am **Posts:** 29986

tabs wrote:

Dear Aabroo Ji & Sono Ji,

Thank you very much for appreciating my inept efforts, your comments are always encouraging me to improve myself.

Sono Ji, Congratulation on your promotion will wait for the sweets to come. :buke:

Jahan tak mere ustad ki baat hai to shairy main mere Peer e Sukhan, Rooh e Ghazal Izzat ma'ab Hazrat Ahmed Shah Faraz hain k jaisay kisi khandan ya qoumiyat se kisi shakhs ki shanakht hoti hai aisay hi main Ahmed Faraz k naam se Shairy ko jaanta hoon.

Alawa azeen, is forum per mere asatazah jo k mere liye hamil e izzat o takrim hain Mohtarma "Seema Naqvi" sahiba, Mohtaram "Dilshad Nazmi" sahib hain aur zia e rahnumai ka muntazir hoon Janab Hamid Muhib sahib se. Waisay to mere khayal main her wo shakhs jo mujh se behter mazaq rakhta hai mere liye qabil e ta'azim hai k mujh sa naqis ul aqaal dhoondna saie e raaygaan sabit ho. :no:

Aik bar phir aap sab ki muhabbaton ka be had shukr guzar!

Tabassum Asad Qureshi

bohat shukria tabs ji....
aap ki mazeed sharing ka intezar hai and by the way aap Bait Bazi ka rasta kyon bhool gayen :thinking

Tifl e Maktab · **Joined:** Sat Dec 27, 2008 8:39 am **Posts:** 3604

Apka hukam sir aankhon per:

Shair ka shaoor ho
agahi zahor ho
lafz bhi haseen hon
per wazn zaror ho
shair gr koi kaho
khyal bhi zaror ho
hadith e dil saqeel ho
sukhan sehel zaror ho
nigah jab safr karay
dil na usse door ho
kalam talkh hi sahih
dil pe baaes e saroor ho
ab is tarha se band kar
ghazal mere huzor ho

Apki giraan qadr raae ka bechaini se muntazir rahon ga, k is kay beghair main mazid post nahin karna chahta.

Behad Shukr guzar

Tabassum Asad Qureshi

Tifl e Maktab · **Joined:** Sat Dec 27, 2008 8:39 am **Posts:** 3604

bohat shukria tabs ji....
aap ki mazeed sharing ka intezar hai and by the way aap Bait Bazi ka rasta kyon bhool gayen :thinking

[/quote]

Woh actually main jab bhi post karta hoon participants bhag jatay hain, shayd main kuch ziyada bore karta hoon.

nazmi_dilshad · **Posted:** Wed Jan 21, 2009 10:54 pm

Shair ka shaoor ho
agahi zahor ho

bahot acha matla hai .....daad
lafz bhi haseen hon
per wazn zaror ho.... sahih lafz wazn hai , magar aap k e misre me wazan aa raha hai , agar aap sifr wazn kahte hain tou bahr mutasir hoti hai , aor par wazan zaroor ho kahte hain tou bahr ke saath wazn lafz ki sahet bhi mutasir hoti hai, aap isse yon kah sakte hain ,
"wzn par zaroor ho "

shair gr koi kaho
khyal bhi zaror ho
ula theek hai, magar cani
khayal bhi zaroor ho ki bajaey khal bhi zaroor ho aa raha hai, zahir hai khal tou nahi kah sakte kiyuon ke koi rabt nahi hai dono me , sher ki koi khal hone se rahi , haan asli jangla ke sher ki khaal zaroor hoti hai ,

hadith e dil saqeel ho
sukhan sehel zaror ho

sahih lafz sahl hai " aap loughat me dekh saktehain ,

nigah jab safr karay
dil na usse door ho
cani misra gir raha hai aor keya matlab nikalta hai,
nigaah ke safar karne aor dil ke door na hone se ?? ya door hone se , bhai asad ham jo kuch dekhte hain khuli ankhon se ya batin ki nigahon se , (yeh peero'n ki istelaah hai) tou hamara zahn aor dil uss shey par matwajjah rahta hai, na ke gayeb rahta hai , mahsoos karta hai ke keya dekha ja raha hai , phir ye dil ki doori keya bala hai ...aap samjhein mujhe,,??
kalam talkh hi sahih
dil pe baaes e saroor ho
yahaan bhi cani misra be wzni ka sjikaar hai , jab klam talkh ho ga tou dil ke liye baice saroor kis tarah ho sakta hai , aap mujhe bata sakte hain , kon sa talkh kalam dil ko saroor muhaiya karta hai???
ab is tarha se band kar
ghazal mere huzor ho

keya band kar ??? kis tarah se band kana hai ???/ke ghazal aap ke huzoor ho jaey , che mani darad?????

ghazal par dubara ghour karein , aor sher ke mafhoom ko samjhte huwey sher nikalein ,
umeed hai meri koi baat giraan nahi guzre gi ,
mukhlis
dilshadnazmi

:Mad:

sono · **Joined:** Tue Sep 27, 2005 3:41 am **Posts:** 29986

tabs wrote:

bohat shukria tabs ji....
aap ki mazeed sharing ka intezar hai and by the way aap Bait Bazi ka rasta kyon bhool gayen :thinking

Woh actually main jab bhi post karta hoon participants bhag jatay hain, shayd main kuch ziyada bore karta hoon.[/quote]

arrey nahen tabs ji koi nahen bhage ga aap dobara ayen to aur regular ho jaen...

sono · **Joined:** Tue Sep 27, 2005 3:41 am **Posts:** 29986

tabs wrote:

Apka hukam sir aankhon per:

Shair ka shaoor ho
agahi zahor ho
lafz bhi haseen hon
per wazn zaror ho
shair gr koi kaho
khyal bhi zaror ho
hadith e dil saqeel ho
sukhan sehel zaror ho
nigah jab safr karay
dil na usse door ho
kalam talkh hi sahih
dil pe baaes e saroor ho
ab is tarha se band kar
ghazal mere huzor ho

Apki giraan qadr raae ka bechaini se muntazir rahon ga, k is kay beghair main mazid post nahin karna chahta.

Behad Shukr guzar

Tabassum Asad Qureshi

wah tabs ji kya zameen hai kya khyal hai bohat khoob :b)b:

Arooj Amjad · **Posted:** Thu Jan 22, 2009 7:48 am

good going tabs!!!! :b)b:

keep practicing...behtari ki bohat gunjaaish hai abhi...
tc

Tifl e Maktab · **Joined:** Sat Dec 27, 2008 8:39 am **Posts:** 3604

Aap ki rahnumai ka be had shukr guzar hoon aur umeed karta hoon k apka ye mushfiqana andaz yun hi mujhe behtr se behtr likhne main madadgar rahe ga. Jaisa k main pehle bhi arz kar chuka hoon k aap ki aik rahnuma ki haisiyat se dekhta hoon to nagawari ka sawal hi nahin paida hota. lehazah aap ki raae mere liye intehai ehmiyat ki hamil hai. haan ye zaroor hai k kisi maqam pe ikhtilaf e raae ho per uski wajah perception ho sakti hai aap se narazgi ka mutahammil nahin ho skta. Please see my reply in BLUE.

Apki rahnumai ka talib o shukr guazar

Tabassum Asad Qureshi

nazmi_dilshad wrote:

Shair ka shaoor ho
agahi zahor ho

bahot acha matla hai .....daad

Bohat manoon hoon is zarra nawazi ka.

lafz bhi haseen hon
per wazn zaror ho.... sahih lafz wazn hai , magar aap k e misre me wazan aa raha hai , agar aap sifr wazn kahte hain tou bahr mutasir hoti hai , aor par wazan zaroor ho kahte hain tou bahr ke saath wazn lafz ki sahet bhi mutasir hoti hai, aap isse yon kah sakte hain ,
"wzn par zaroor ho " Main muttafiq hoon aap se aur tasheeh karoon ga.

shair gr koi kaho
khyal bhi zaror ho
ula theek hai, magar cani
khayal bhi zaroor ho ki bajaey khal bhi zaroor ho aa raha hai, zahir hai khal tou nahi kah sakte kiyuon ke koi rabt nahi hai dono me , sher ki koi khal hone se rahi , haan asli jangla ke sher ki khaal zaroor hoti hai ,

Yahan jaisa k ap ne farmaya k khayal ki bajae khal aaraha hai, main isko samjh nahin paya kyun k main ne to khayal hi likha hai ager ap JPG image main dekhain to urdu main khayal hi likha hai. please zara wazahat farmain.

hadith e dil saqeel ho
sukhan sehel zaror ho

sahih lafz sahl hai " aap loughat me dekh saktehain ,
100% muttafiq hoon aur main ne sahl hi likha hai per roman ki wajah se aap per wazeh na ho saka jis ki maazrat qabool kejiye.

nigah jab safr karay
dil na usse door ho
cani misra gir raha hai aor keya matlab nikalta hai,
nigaah ke safar karne aor dil ke door na hone se ?? ya door hone se , bhai asad ham jo kuch dekhte hain khuli ankhon se ya batin ki nigahon se , (yeh peero'n ki istelaah hai) tou hamara zahn aor dil uss shey par matwajjah rahta hai, na ke gayeb rahta hai , mahsoos karta hai ke keya dekha ja raha hai , phir ye dil ki doori keya bala hai ...aap samjhein mujhe,,??

Nazimi sb, is shair ki assas ye hai k jab ham kuch bhi padhtay hain to nigah safr karti hai alfaz pe laikin her lafz ya her tehrer zarori nahin k dil man ghar kar jae, ab aap ne is shair ki babt jo kuch farmaya main usse padh k sirf e nigah kar doon to na ap ka likhna kisi kaam aaya na mera padhnay ka faida. Arz ye hai k kalam aisa likha jae jo k na sirf nigah ko mutawajah karay bal k dil main bhi ghar kar jae. umeed hai main apne khayal ka izhar karne main kamyab rha hoon.

kalam talkh hi sahih
dil pe baaes e saroor ho
yahaan bhi cani misra be wzni ka sjikaar hai , jab klam talkh ho ga tou dil ke liye baice saroor kis tarah ho sakta hai , aap mujhe bata sakte hain , kon sa talkh kalam dil ko saroor muhaiya karta hai???

kuch kalam aisay bhi hotay hain jo nasihat aamez hotay hain go sunne main zara talkh hi mehsoos hotay hain per haqiqat pe mabni hotay hain aur un ka asr kuch dair main hota hai. is waqt misal dainay se qasir hon laikin maqsad yehi tha. behr kaif, apki baat se ittehfaq karta hoon aur is ka mutabadil paish karne ki koshish karon ga.

ab is tarha se band kar
ghazal mere huzor ho

keya band kar ??? kis tarah se band kana hai ???/ke ghazal aap ke huzoor ho jaey , che mani darad?????

Hazrt is shair se murad hai k mundarja bala tamam nazakatoon aur (Conjunctions) ko madd e nazr rakhtay huwe kalam ko tarteeb diya jae to ghazal hogi. hope to have you satisfied sufficiently.
ghazal par dubara ghour karein , aor sher ke mafhoom ko samjhte huwey sher nikalein ,
umeed hai meri koi baat giraan nahi guzre gi ,
mukhlis
dilshadnazmi

:Mad:

Nazmi Sb,

Aap ki rahnumai ka be had shukr guzar hoon aur umeed karta hoon k apka ye mushfiqana andaz yun hi mujhe behtr se behtr likhne main madadgar rahe ga.

Tifl e Maktab · **Joined:** Sat Dec 27, 2008 8:39 am **Posts:** 3604

Arooj Amjad wrote:

good going tabs!!!! :b)b:

keep practicing...behtari ki bohat gunjaaish hai abhi...
tc

Bohat Shukriya Arooj apki himmat afzai ka. Lagta hai kafi ta'atul k baad hazri di hai aap ne forum pe.

Khair Khushamadeed, chashm ba rah!

Tifl e Maktab · **Joined:** Sat Dec 27, 2008 8:39 am **Posts:** 3604

kabhi ana ko khud main panapne nahin daina
dil bhar bhi aae to chalakne nahin daina

utra hai jo mahtab ki manind jigr main
aankhon se laho ban k chalakne nahin daina

ankhon se mere dil main wo utr rahay hain
palkon ki chilmanon ko jhapakne nahin daina

baithay hain mere samne aur mehw e kalam
ab saans k ghungru bhi khanakne nahin daina

aadat hai mere pehle khud hi zakhm laga na
phir zakhm pe marham bhi rakhne nahin daina

Arooj Amjad · **Posted:** Fri Jan 23, 2009 8:14 pm

Forum pe to aati rehti hun janab...posts kam karti hun.kuch net hi masla kar raha tha...ab aati rahungi.
aap ki ghazal paRhi....khayaalaat ache hain lekin wazan mujhe kaafi jahoN par kharaab laga.nazmi sahab aur seema ji aap ko khaasa guide karte rehte hain agar aik main bhi karne lagi to aap to yaqeenan uktaa jaeinge... :roll:

so ye kaam un pe cHoRti hun...meri taraf se... :b)b:

all the best in all u do!!!

Tifl e Maktab · **Joined:** Sat Dec 27, 2008 8:39 am **Posts:** 3604

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seemanaqvi · **Joined:** Mon Dec 22, 2008 4:53 pm **Posts:** 653

tabs wrote:

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Tabs ji,

Aap ki nazm padhee. Hamesha ki tarah achay khayalat magar humain humesha aap se wazn kee bohot shikayat rahee hai aur woh is nazm main bhi barqarar hai. Taqreeban hur sher main kum uz kum aik misra zuroor bewazn hai. Aap apna mutalia aur likhna donon hee jari rakhiye insha'allah aur nikhar aaye ga.

Duago,
Seema :^^:

Tifl e Maktab · **Joined:** Sat Dec 27, 2008 8:39 am **Posts:** 3604

Ulfat main zindagi ki jo ham shaam kar chalay
umr e tamam tere naam kar chalay

her gaam hum andheroon main dhaltay chalay gae
aur roshni tamam tere naam kar chalay

ussay ho guftagu yehi hasrat rahi hamain
ham aik sang dil se sukhan kham kar chalay

aasan nahin hai ishq ki manzil k rastay
ham aashiqoon k naam ye pegham kar chalay

Rab jantay hain jisko wo baad az khuda tui
maa sari kayyanat tere naam kar chalay

suntay hain ham k shair e faiz o faraz bhi
Allah shairy main wo kya naam kar chalay

shohrat ki justaju main sukhanwar tamam hain
so ham door se salam baher gaam kar chalay

Tifl e Maktab · **Joined:** Sat Dec 27, 2008 8:39 am **Posts:** 3604

Seema Ji Adab,

Apki raae mere liye hamesha mohtaram rahay gi aur ismain bhi koi shak nahin k jo kuch apne kaha usmain kisi qism ki ghalati ki ehtamal ho.

Laikin main waqai is amer se be behra hoon k shairy main wazn, behr ya aur kon konse lowazmat hotay hain. main to jo kuch utarta hai baa aina hoo ap k samnay paish kar daita hoon, sahi hai ghalat hai isse mujhe koi behs nahin k main kisi naam o namood k liye nahin karta bus aik mutalatum samandr ko raam karnay k liye apne ander se nikal k kaghaz pe phaila deta hoon.

Zaroori nahin k sunnay ya padhnay walay meri her baat se mutafiq hoon, phr bhi agr kisi ki dil azari ka baaes rha hoon to maafi ka khwastgar hoon.

Ahqar

Tabassum Asad Qureshi

seemanaqvi · **Joined:** Mon Dec 22, 2008 4:53 pm **Posts:** 653

tabs wrote:

Seema Ji Adab,

Apki raae mere liye hamesha mohtaram rahay gi aur ismain bhi koi shak nahin k jo kuch apne kaha usmain kisi qism ki ghalati ki ehtamal ho.

Laikin main waqai is amer se be behra hoon k shairy main wazn, behr ya aur kon konse lowazmat hotay hain. main to jo kuch utarta hai baa aina hoo ap k samnay paish kar daita hoon, sahi hai ghalat hai isse mujhe koi behs nahin k main kisi naam o namood k liye nahin karta bus aik mutalatum samandr ko raam karnay k liye apne ander se nikal k kaghaz pe phaila deta hoon.

Zaroori nahin k sunnay ya padhnay walay meri her baat se mutafiq hoon, phr bhi agr kisi ki dil azari ka baaes rha hoon to maafi ka khwastgar hoon.

Ahqar

Tabassum Asad Qureshi

Salam Tabassum ji,

Kaise hain aap? Aap itni khubsoorat shairy karte hain isliye hamara dil chahta hai ke woh poori tarah se rythm main bhi ho. Aap ka kehna bilkul theek hai ke asli shair wohi hota hai jo apne khubsoorat ehsaasat ko mun o ann doosron tuk pohoncha dey aur wazn aahista aahista durust ho jaata hai. Main chund articles yahan pur post kur ddon gee jis se mumkin hai ke aap ko aur aap jaise naey likhnay waalon ko thoree bohot mada milay.

Aap mairi kisi bhi baat ka bura naheen maante jis ka shukriya aur aap yaqeen manain ke dil kee baat safaee se zaban pur aa jaaey to kisi ki di aazari naheen hoti.

Duago,

Seema

Tifl e Maktab · **Joined:** Sat Dec 27, 2008 8:39 am **Posts:** 3604

Seema Ji, Himmat Afzai ka bohat bohat shukriya, Ye apki nazr:

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Tifl e Maktab · **Joined:** Sat Dec 27, 2008 8:39 am **Posts:** 3604

Baba tum kyun door huwe,
kyun milne se majbor huwe

milne humko kyun nahin aatay
ham sang kyun nahin khailtay khatay,
gudgudi kar k kyun nahin uthatay,
sinay pe apne kyun nahin sulatay.

Baba tum kyun door huwe,
kyun milne se majbor huwe

baba mera hath pakad lo,
bahon main mujhe jakad lo,
bheed main logon ki kho gaya hon,
rah tumhari taktay taktay mama k sang so gaya hon.

Baba tum kyun door huwe,
kyun milne se majbor huwe

Beta tumse dori kyun hai,
kya hai aur majbori kyun hai,
kaisay main tumko samjhaon,
ji karta hai urd kar aajaon,

mera bhi sina jalta hai,
dekhne tumko ji karta hai
Beta tum kyun door huwe,
kyun milne se majbor huwe.

Tifl e Maktab · **Joined:** Sat Dec 27, 2008 8:39 am **Posts:** 3604

Kat tay hain kaisay aap ki furqat k raat din
masoum sa ye dil aur furqat k raat din

guzri hai mehfilon main apni tamam umr
aur ab azab hain ye furqat k raat din

wo pehlay pehl ka ishq aur beqarariyan
wo hasrat e didar aur chahat k raat din

her ik dua main usko shiddat se mangna
wo manatain wo ibadat k raat din

wo chodiyan wo kan ki bali wo ik gulab
wo dostoon se haq e muaawnat k raat din

maa ki khushamadain, behnoon ki minattain
us per wo gher se baghawat k raat din

wo ghar se rooth k jana bairoon e mulk
be sar o samani main wilayat k raat din

dyar e ghair main tanhai kay azaab
wo sham o sehr wo mehnat k raat din

khusbhu bharay wo khat ghazlain wo shairi
Ghalib se Faiz o Faraz se nisbat k raat din

phr us k aqd ki khabar ki wo shaam
phr wohi hizn aur malamat k raat din

dhoondtay hain us ko her ik shakl main
phr se wohi malal o furqat k raat din

ab kya raqm karain apni hadis e dil
Tabassum k,gham k,teri furqat k raat din.

Tifl e Maktab · **Joined:** Sat Dec 27, 2008 8:39 am **Posts:** 3604

Mumkin hai dard ka nighahoon se eayaan hona
baes e haif hai buldand aah o fughaan hona

chashm e num dil e pur chak girayban hona
kisay nasib rah e ishq ka aasaan hona

sehr e ishq main baes e sukon hota hai
dil sa chak e giraybaan hona

mere ashaar kisi qabil nahin phir bhi
kisi lafz ko aata nahin pashaymaan hona

hum shaheedan e wafa hi ko hasil ye kamal
ik Tabassum ka teer e rag e jaan hona

AnjaNi_Pari · **Posted:** Tue Feb 24, 2009 2:05 pm

Bohat Achay Ji... :buke:

Tifl e Maktab · **Joined:** Sat Dec 27, 2008 8:39 am **Posts:** 3604

AnjaNi_Pari wrote:

Bohat Achay Ji... :buke:

Nigah Nawazi ka bohat shukriya......

Tifl e Maktab · **Joined:** Sat Dec 27, 2008 8:39 am **Posts:** 3604

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Tifl e Maktab · **Joined:** Sat Dec 27, 2008 8:39 am **Posts:** 3604

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*MYSTERIOUS* · **Posted:** Tue Mar 10, 2009 3:56 pm

Quote:

aisa nahi k uus ko mera dard nahi hia
dil mai ehsas k jaise chuubha sa rehta hoon

buhut uumda ghazal tabs :b)b:

Tifl e Maktab · **Joined:** Sat Dec 27, 2008 8:39 am **Posts:** 3604

Attachment:

adhoray hain.gif

Arooj Amjad · **Posted:** Wed Mar 25, 2009 7:18 pm

Tabassum ji!
kaise mizaaj hain? :buke:

janab aap ki shairy mein wazan ka bohat masla ahi.zaroor tawajjoh dein iss par.Ilaawa azeeN misre mukamal nahin hain.yani aik adhoora pan hai,maslan beher k lehaaz se agar aik misre mein 6 alfaaz aane chaahiyein to aap k misre mein 4 alfaaz hote hian.i guess i have made my point clear! :buke:

Kuch ashaar k mutalliq apni raaye ka izhaar kar rahi hun.Ummeed hai garaaN nahin guzre ga!

tabs wrote:

wo pehlay pehl ka ishq aur beqarariyan
wo hasrat e didar aur chahat k raat din.

iss ko yuN kar lein to behtar ho ga...
Pehlay pehel ka ishq aur wo be-qaraariyaaN
Wo hasrat-e-deedaar,wo chaahat k raat din

tabs wrote:

wo chodiyan wo kan ki bali wo ik gulab
wo dostoon se haq e muaawnat k raat din.

???? kya matlab bana bhala iss sher ka????

tabs wrote:

khusbhu bharay wo khat ghazlain wo shairi
Ghalib se Faiz o Faraz se nisbat k raat din.

yahan yun kar lein to wazan sahi ho jaaega...
khushbu bharay wo khat,wo ghazlein,wo shaairy
Ghalib,Faraz o Faiz se nisbat k raat din

tabs wrote:

phr us k aqd ki khabar ki wo shaam
phr wohi hizn aur malamat k raat din.

bohat incomplete sher hai.alfaaz missing hain!
aur yahan "malamat" ka kya zikr?kya "malaal" k ma'noN mein liya hai?
aur mere khayal se sahi talaffuz "huzn" hai "hizn" nahin!

Tifl e Maktab · **Joined:** Sat Dec 27, 2008 8:39 am **Posts:** 3604

Arooj Amjad wrote:

Tabassum ji!
kaise mizaaj hain? :buke:

janab aap ki shairy mein wazan ka bohat masla ahi.zaroor tawajjoh dein iss par.Ilaawa azeeN misre mukamal nahin hain.yani aik adhoora pan hai,maslan beher k lehaaz se agar aik misre mein 6 alfaaz aane chaahiyein to aap k misre mein 4 alfaaz hote hian.i guess i have made my point clear! :buke:

Kuch ashaar k mutalliq apni raaye ka izhaar kar rahi hun.Ummeed hai garaaN nahin guzre ga!

tabs wrote:

wo pehlay pehl ka ishq aur beqarariyan
wo hasrat e didar aur chahat k raat din.

iss ko yuN kar lein to behtar ho ga...
Pehlay pehel ka ishq aur wo be-qaraariyaaN
Wo hasrat-e-deedaar,wo chaahat k raat din

tabs wrote:

wo chodiyan wo kan ki bali wo ik gulab
wo dostoon se haq e muaawnat k raat din.

???? kya matlab bana bhala iss sher ka????

tabs wrote:

khusbhu bharay wo khat ghazlain wo shairi
Ghalib se Faiz o Faraz se nisbat k raat din.

yahan yun kar lein to wazan sahi ho jaaega...
khushbu bharay wo khat,wo ghazlein,wo shaairy
Ghalib,Faraz o Faiz se nisbat k raat din

tabs wrote:

phr us k aqd ki khabar ki wo shaam
phr wohi hizn aur malamat k raat din.

bohat incomplete sher hai.alfaaz missing hain!
aur yahan "malamat" ka kya zikr?kya "malaal" k ma'noN mein liya hai?
aur mere khayal se sahi talaffuz "huzn" hai "hizn" nahin!

Arooj ji Bohat bohat shukriya k aap ne idhar ka rukh kiya.....warna main ne to post karna hi chor diya tha k koi aata hi nahin tha.....ghalatiyan karnay k sab se bada faida ye hota hai k kam se kam apko ye to pata chal jata hai k kisi ne bohat hi mohabbat se aap ki kawish ko izzat bakshi hai.

ye behr aur wazn se mere bohat purani dushmani hai aur main to post sirf is liye karta hoon k aap jaisay mukhlis dost meri islah karain aur mujhe pata chalay k main kitnay pani main hoon.

aap ne jin kotahiyon ki nishan dahi ki hai main insha Allah koshish karoon ga k behtr kar sakoon.

Bohat khush rahiye aur ham khak zadoon pe nazr karam kartay rahiye....

Duago

Tabassum!